Author Archives: Flatchestedmama

Sephora Sweepstakes

Most fun part of this contract? The arbitration company is JAMS. Ahh, they were good shorts, weren’t they. I loved my JAMS! 

John Oliver has a piece on arbitration and he relays arbitration is not good, for the consumer. They usually favor the company, not the individual consumer and it takes away all of your legal rights to get a fair trial, etc. Actually, both ‘contracts’ note that they do not allow class action lawsuits and no trial in front of a judge or jury (for Beauty Insider program). Sweepstakes uses two Michigan courts and no one else. Also, sweepstakes disputes will only pay for actual out of pocket expenses, which may only cover postage if that was how you applied. More on that below. But… have no fear, I looked into JAMS and they have gone virtual! You can arbitrate in the comfort of your own home! Wearing Jams while arbitrating through JAMS is required attire. 

Thinky thought: starting a ‘points benefit program’ is an interesting way to get all of your customers to not be able to take any legal action against you. All for the possibility of free shipping and samples. God we love samples! 

About the Sweepstakes:

Hands down, most interesting thing about the sweepstakes is that they really don’t want to give the money to our polite neighbors to the North. Any Canadian winner needs to, “correctly answer a time-limited, skill-testing question without any assistance in order to be eligible to receive prize.” What the hell is that question going to be?! Unless that time-sensitive, skill-testing question is how to apply a full bake, I think that is crap. 

Sure, you don’t technically need to buy anything to enter… but you have to either surrender your Beauty Insider points (150 points for 1 entry on one entry date) or submit a handwritten note with a bullet point list of about 7 things that must be present on it to keep your submission out of the “filing cabinet” otherwise known as the trash. Let me know if you would like that mail in info, I can provide it.

Got any immediate family members that work at JCPenney? If yes, you are ineligible. Sephora and JCPenney are like conjoined twins and sometimes JCPenney ate Sephora in utero and the Sephora is nested inside of JCPenney like a Russian doll…. A Russian doll that likes to eavesdrop and will start mailing you stuff if you ever visit a Sephora inside the JCPenney and use your Beauty Insider account, etc.. It is actually written out as SiJCP. Good stuff.

If you win your gonna have to sign away the right to hold JCPenney harmless. I mean, what have they ever done to you other than make you look good at a reasonable price? 

Along with allowing them (this includes JCPenney) the ability to use your name, likeness, hometown, etc., they are also able to use your voice and opinions (think of the opinions you could share!) without further compensation. 

Finally, just so you’re not surprised: you’ll be 1099’d and have to pay taxes on it. Canadian winners automatically have 30%tax removed making their award $17,500. 

The Fun is in the Fine Print

a hand drawn magnifying glass and price tag detail Flatchestedmama's new offering of reading the fine print

As someone who has legally changed their name to include their artist moniker, I can tell you that I absofruitly love navigating beurocacry, even though I still don’t know how to spell it. You know what is needed for navigating barecrazy? A whole lotta patience and a willingness to read the fine print. I have grown to love reading the fine print. There’s a lot of humor in it, if you find wondering just exactly what IS covered in your insurance policy after reading everything that is not, funny.

I recently had the pleasure of moving. While reading the 63 page lease and all of it’s addendums, I learned that my new apartment dictates my dating life. I cannot have a recurring visitor stay more than 12 occasions in a 14 month period without paying a $300 roommate fee. Naturally, I have already updated my online dating profile to include: must be agreeable to wearing wigs. We all need a bit more Vitamin D these days but that’s a little expensive, even for my taste.

Speaking of Tinder. In their recent “Put Yourself Out There Challenge,” the fine print states that Tinder can use any and all submissions in any way shape or form without further consent required or compensation, whatsoever. Even if you don’t win. So, say in two years after you’ve found the right partner, gotten pregnant & engaged with that new house and job that you love, that old Tinder photo from your “Out There” days pops up on a billboard that you and your coworkers see every day on your commute to work. That is, if we ever go back to the office. Anyway, you get my point and as Judy Tenuta would say, “it could happen!” You can’t sue for defamation or residuals, you signed it all away with a simple hashtag.

All fine print welcome, no font too small! Examples include Insurance policies (car, boat, RV, homeowner’s), home loans, mortgages, leases, terms and agreements (apps and software), cell phone contracts, privacy practices, etc.

So, let me find the humorous hidden highlights in your fine print and tell it back to you in some creative fashion. Send funds to Venmo: flatchestedmama and a .pdf to email: flatchestedmama@gmail.com Then gimme a few days.$10 per page, $5 each additional page, $50 cap. Added bonus: misspellings and grammatical errors are plentiful and free of charge!

BOLD PRINT: This is an art project. I am NOT a lawyer. I am an artist and an artist’s artist at that. I wouldn’t be mad at you, just very disappointed if you were to take legal action against me after hiring me to read the fine print, as an art project.

Love & Unicorns,
FLATCHESTEDMAMA